Dear Commander in Chief/President Barack Husein Obama, on May 11th your staff tweeted you saying :

“We define ourselves as a nation of immigrants — a nation that welcomes those willing to embrace America’s ideals.” #immigration

Here’s the thing,

My Godparents are Americans, from Alabama (my godmother is 1/4 Cherokee! How cool is that?) I do embrace America’s ideal of freedom of speech/belief/multicultural environment and the fact that more people speak Spanish than English there, I am cool with that, in addition I also embrace:

• Scrambled eggs with bacon (pork please)
• Ocean Spray
• Tabasco
• Dr Pepper
• Doritos
• Nike/Converse
• TuPac
• Jon Stewart
• Stephen Colbert
• Family Guy
• Southpark
• Chili’s
• Sloppy Joe’s (I have to use the canned food, no outlets here yet)
• Burger King/Mc Donald’s/Chili’s
• Big fan of Comedy Central
• Mac fan (burger/late Bernie Mac AND Apple products)
• I’d shake hands and smile to everyone, not in a creepy way, not much anyways.
• Big Mentos fan (especially after quitting smoking, I was a huge Philip Morris supporter for years)
• I don’t mind drinking Budweiser if no real beer is available
• I am willing to call the American Hand Egg sport (what you refer to as football) Football, no problem with that, I can cope!
• A HUGE Camaro and Dodge Challenger fan (can never afford them cuz I am NOT living in the US…)
• I believe that man really did land on the moon.
• Elvis is really dead

That’s what I can think of right now, so I’d like to live in Miami or the Keys, I don’t like cold weather much, love to fish, drink beer and discuss the latest hot scene of some Hollywood actress.

Do I qualify? I can move in whenever you want, just send me the ticket and my immigration papers, and I promise I have an American accent, I know French, I can learn Spanish and I am a native Arabic speaker, not too religious, spiritual maybe when I am hungover, I don’t mind any other religions, I live in Lebanon, the homeland of religious tolerance.

I will figure out the accommodation, just use the contact form or let your embassy in Beirut contact me. Thank you very much.

(And I swear, my name is George without an S, it’s the French who like to add it, now you know why they always wuss out on the fights against terrorism, all they can think about is S)